Road Trip
by Miyame
Summary: Four Friends set off on an over 1900 mile trip to successfully retrieve an expict tape, from a girl-who is insane- from destroying the universe!


((NOTE- Gundam Wing isn't mine, or never will be mine. Along with the movies that are  
related to this story. (Which include, Road Trip, Children of the Corn, Silence of the  
Lambs, Twister, and Wizard of Oz.) This is just a fanfic, merely made for humor. Besides  
if I was the creator of any of those things, I would be rolling around in money. ))  
  
  
The year is After Colony 195, and peace has fallen upon the Earth- Relena being the  
known spoiled little snot she is, has resumed being Queen of the world, only because this  
is a mere fan-fiction that really has nothing to do with the actual story line.  
The Gundam formally known as Zero-One panned out its gargantuan iron 'wings' as the  
scene is shown out over the Planet Earth. The Sun's bright rays reflected off of the  
over-rated Zero-One, blinding it from the oncoming assault of the Gundam Deathscythe  
Hell, which slapped it with its Beam Scythe, and immediately assumed that brave, noble  
pose. Queing that Gundam Zero-One is notorious for it is the beginning of an episode.  
  
Episode Watchama-callit.-  
Road Trip  
  
Yes, we all know. All is fair in love in war. Well, not in this case. The teenagers  
formally known as Gundam pilots had grown up. A colony deep in space- At least there in  
college, yeah-the perfect opportunity to screw up your life! Parties, sex, and people under  
the influence. What a life eh? So here we lay our scene, a typical party at a college.   
Heero sat there as the music blasted out to the crazy drunk people. Dancing and just  
plainly having a good time. Quickly a man ran up to him, brunet hair and blue eyes, Heero  
smirked slightly. It was Duo! He grinned wildly and pointed out to the crowd.  
  
"Hey Heero, im going to be auctioned off in a bit. And Hildes here. I do not want her to  
want me. So whatever it takes, make sure you get me!" With an odd expression Heero  
nodded as Duo returned to the front of the line. Finally a man stood up revealing it as  
Wufei.   
  
"Hello!" He said loudly. The music stopped and the crowd turned to him as they  
awaited him to speak. "I am Chang Wufei. Since im a sexist freak so it's only right to  
auction off the women!" The crowd screamed, and all the women at the party gave Wufei  
an evil glare. "First we have a man! Yes for those who are appealed to the opposing  
sex...or the same.. This is Duo Maxwell. " He said with a wink. Duo stepped up onto the  
stairs. Random girls-and guys whistled and wailed to him.  
  
"The bid starts at 5$" Wufei said. Hilde rose her hand in a freakishly-frantic way.  
"We have five, any takers?" Heero rose his hand and spoke in that infamous  
monotone voice.   
"500$."  
"We have 500...dollars?" Wufei questioned. "Any takers?" Hilde shot an evil  
glare across the room towards Heero. Knowingly she lost since she is a poor deprived person who  
likes to literally live in a dump.  
  
Duo hopped off the stairs and grabbed Heeros hand as he stood up. " C'mon  
Heero, lets have hot passionate sex in my dorm. Im yours now!!" He said as he dragged  
him out of the house to his dormroom. He began to kiss him endlessly, frantically stripping  
him down. Duo opened his eyes and from the corner he saw a tape recorder. "Home movies!" He  
squealed, as he grabbed it. Heero didn't object, he just stripped down as Duo began to  
tape. "Who do you think of when your in the shower?" Duo asked.  
"You." He said looking into the camera.  
"Do you have any pets and what are there names?"  
"I have a pet ferret. It's name is snowball." A ferret eh? Pret-ty unusual if you ask me,  
but if this ferret named snowball makes him happy, then let him at it. Anyways, Duo  
continued to ask him questions.  
" Where would your sex fantasy take place."  
"The kitchen."  
"Whats your favorite food?"  
"Whip-Cream."  
"You got any?"  
"Probably."  
The two stood there for a moment staring at eachother. And they both bolted towards the  
kitchen, camera and all...  
  
*Meanwhile..on Earth.*  
  
Relena, or Queen Relena of the earth I should say was standing there. Just looking  
out of a window... Again. She sighed and spoke to herself. "Oh Hee-Chan, why oh why!   
You haven't mailed me one of your many video tapes. I miss you! And since your in  
college, I'll never be able to see you! Oh woe! Woe is mee.." He carried on. "Would  
you like more cheese with that wine?" Said the not-so respective maid. Relena simply  
glared at her and pulled out from 'hammer-space' (Note: Hammer-Space is a term when a  
charri pulls out a rather large object from no-where. aka, hammer-space.) a long black  
leather whip. "Can it you twit! You expect me to be all hunky-dory about all this?! Heero not being around, Well  
im not!" Wha-pa! She wipped the maid out of the room. "And get me more sandwiches  
woman. Wha-pa!" She looked out the window again gazing at the moon. Once again she  
began to complain. "I wonder what he's doing right now..He so far away! But if he loves  
me-he would be loyal to me! Wouldn't he?"   
  
*The morning after*  
  
"Leeesssbbbiiiaaann...Rainbow Trout, how you swim so proudly.." Quatre sung  
while he played his Violin. "Lesssbian Seaggull...please commme to mee.." Trowa and  
Wufei laid there in Heero's dorm listening to the music. "Oh Hilde, the retarded  
monkey..are you a lesssbian? You cerrrtainly looook it." Heero rushed in quickly and  
held up a tape.   
"Damnit!! This isn't the tape!" The three stood up and looked at Heero. He stood there,  
holding a video tape."   
"What do you mean?" Quatre asked. "Oh, and you have whip cream in your..hair?"   
Heero threw his tape down and fell to the ground!   
"Damnit why?! Why did I accidentally take Duo and my sex tape and send it to  
Relena! Whyyyeee.." He curled up into a little ball, as Wufei stood up. "So, your not  
dating her, so whats the problem." "I don't give a damn about her, it just that if she see's  
the tape, of me and Duo, she'll probably go insane and destroy the Earth!" The three  
gasped. Quatre set down his violin and glared at Heero. "I resent that." The four just  
stood there looking at eachother. Thinking of what Relena would do if she saw the tape.   
"Oh the possibilities." Trowa said. They all quickly stood up as they began to walk out  
the door. "Trowa, Wufei! Road trip." Quatre just stood there. "I'll stay..and keep watch  
of...snowball." He said with an evil smirk.   
  
*Later that Day.*  
  
"Space" Heero said, dramatically. "A great big place with unknown stuff." And  
there they were flying across space in an old junky- sad excuse for a space ship. Duo was  
locked in the cargo section because he didn't want to go retrieve the tape. "It's for Relena's  
best interest!" He yelled behind a door. "Once she see's the tape she'll realize that the  
world doesn't revolve around her!!" He laughed to himself. "She'll realize she's been  
living a lie all her life! ..Oh wait, she already knows. She's adopted." He said slumping  
down against the door.   
"Were did you get this ship?" Trowa asked. They all knew that none of them  
owned a ship like this but they couldn't of summed up enough money to just buy one.   
"Wufei and I jumped Hilde. And stole one of her junkie-ships." Heero explained. "Yeah,  
we didn't know if it was her or not, her barrette hid her face. But that god-awful sweater  
gave it away. And the banana's she was eating was a dead-ringer." Trowa laughed and  
replied. "Yeah, she does have an uncanny resemblance to a monkey with banana's. A  
retarded one at that fact!"   
  
"We should check on Quatre." Heero said, piloting the ship. He pressed a button  
that awaited Quatre's answer. "I forget to tell him what and where snowballs food was."   
Finally Quatre answered. His mouth full. "Hey Heero!" He laughed maniacally, the food  
spitting out of his mouth here and there. "I didn't know you had chex-mix. It's different  
but wow! It's good." He held up the bag of food to reveal a small animal on it.  
"Quatre." Heero said. "Can you read the bag?" "Sure!" He said grabbing another  
handful and stuffing it into his mouth. "It says..Faar.... Fear Fu..F-f..foo..d. Fear Food!   
Oh yeah, Heero you rock. I love Halloween food." "NO!" Wufei yelled. "It says farret  
food! Your eating the stupid damn animals food!" Quatre just stopped chewing that once  
known yummy 'chex-mix' And ran out of the cameras view screaming. Heero shot a  
death glare at Wufei. "Did you just call Snowball stupid?!" He said, letting go of the  
steering wheel and standing up in front of Wufei. Suddenly Heero jumped on Wufei and  
began punching the living daylights out of the poor soul. He knocked him around left and  
right running into Trowa. Knocking him out in the process.   
The ship began to tilt sideways dramatically as Duo tried to keep his balance left  
and right. "Hey!" Duo yelled hearing both Heero and Wufei yell at eachother. "I don't  
appreciate you two doing those kind of things with out me! If you two are doing what im  
thinking your doing! I wanna join too!!" Tears in his eyes, he complained for the door to  
be opened. The two, who were still fighting rammed into the door causing it to fly open.   
Duo flew out the door, and into the window seeing the rather close Earth ahead. "You  
guys!" He said pointing to the Earth it closer than before. "Were on a crash collision to  
Earth!" The two stopped and got up running to the window. Now seeing a vast  
landscape of corn fields. They all screamed as they held onto eachother for dear life..   
'Cept for Trowa who was still being tossed about inside the ship.  
  
*Kaboom*  
  
*In the depth of the burning corn feild.*  
  
The three crawled out of the burning ship, one dragging Trowa along. Heero  
looked around, along with the rest. "Where are we?" He asked. "Appears to be  
Nebraska." Wufei said, propping Trowa up. Duo walked ahead looking about the  
cornfield. "This place seems different." He said. Suddenly an old man jumped in front of  
Duo, licking his lips.. "Hello Clairise.." Duo simply quirked a brow, looking at the man.   
"For one thing my name isn't 'Clairise', it's Duo. And another thing. Why are you in a  
cornfield with a phone book in your hand?" The man looked down to his hand, he plainly  
enough holding a phone book. "It's the official cannibals menu." He sneered, spitting at  
Duo. Duo blinked at the spit from his eyes and took a step back. "Whoah, watch out  
there big shooter." The old guy jumped at Duo, as he ran back to the burning ship where  
the rest were standing.  
  
"Whats wrong with you?" Heero asked as he ran screaming in fear. "Were all  
going to diee!! Run!" And so they all ran. Trowa as well, who was now awake.. And  
soon enough it got dangerously windy. "What in the hell is happening?!" Trowa yelled.   
Like he knew what was going on-he was out for long enough. "Twister!!" Wufei  
yelled pointing to there left. It was a big one too. Suddenly they saw a rather large red  
truck drive through the corn field. And what appeared to be in the back was a machine.   
When it passed by they all jumped into the truck. Pushing that loud, blinking machine  
from it, all the little balls spilling out.   
  
From afar there was a man who was Bill Packsten and a woman who was Helen  
Hunt. They finally realizing that there Twister Doppler doo-dad thingie was pushed out of  
the truck. "NUUUU..." Helen Hunt yelled. "Years of research thrown away.." Bill  
looked at Helen. "Aw screw it, lets make love in the cornfield." And so they did.   
Meanwhile back at the truck. "Shouldn't we be driving away from the twister?!" Duo  
yelled. Barely able to be heard. But before anyone could do anything about that they were sucked  
into the massive twister, they all hanging on for dear life.  
  
*Back where-ever Relena's palace is.*  
  
"I only have eyes...for you!!" Relena sang. That damned god awful voice of hers  
screeching down throughout the palace. Dogs and cats howling and wailing outside. Just  
making it a living hell. "Oh Heero, please come to mee!" She screamed out, dual hands  
held out toward what it seemed to be a 300 foot poster of Arnold Swarzenegger. With a  
big picture of Heero's head poorly pasted upon it. But soon was halted, for a loud crash  
was heard just from outside. She screamed and ran into another room locking herself in.  
  
The four hopped out of the truck, looking around. Duo clung onto Heero as they  
looked around. "Heero, I don't think were in Nebraska anymore.." "Where not in  
Nebraska, were at Relena's place. "Well that's good. For the most part." Wufei shrugged  
the thought off as they began to walk into the palace. Somehow or another there super  
Gundam Pilot super powers got themselves through security. But im not going to  
explain how, since this story is too damn long as it is.  
  
"You two take this room, and Duo and I will take this room." Heero snickered as  
he drug Duo into the room. It was a humungus room, with billions and billions of Heero  
posters. "This must be Relena's room." Heero said. A typical room for someone who is  
freakishly obsessed with someone. Such as Relena. "Than this makes it more interesting!"   
Duo squealed hopping into bed. "Look! A mirror at the top of the bed! This is soo cool!"   
He got under the covers as Heero hopped in too.   
"This is the best!" Duo said kissing Heero. "That's not me." Heero said. "What  
do you mean?" He stopped to look at the Heero in front of him. "Yes it is-wait. Aww!!"   
He screamed with disgust. He pulled out an inflatable doll, with a picture of Heero's face  
poorly pasted upon it. He threw it across the room, and clutched onto the real Heero.   
"Officially traumatized." He said to himself. "Don't worry I'll make it all better." Heero  
grinned for once. And they got it on!  
  
*The next morning.*  
  
Relena walked into her room, yawning. Her right hand holding onto a handful of  
mail. And the other scratching that big ghetto ass of hers. She passed her bed, unnoticed  
with the fact that Duo and Heero were both under there. She looked at a package that  
read. "TO RELENA FROM HEERO." She screamed with excitement as she ran across  
the room to the 110+ inch tv she had. She popped the tape in as she sat cross legged  
upon the floor watching intently. Duo sat up. Relena not noticing her. He grinned  
realizing what she was watching. He put his boxers, pants and so on back on while in the  
background he heard. "Oh Fuch me sideways, Heero!" He awaited for her  
to scream bloody murder. And she did! Seeing what was going on before her, well in her  
opinion was mortifying. It was as if she was traumatized. Heero quickly woke up from  
the god-awful scream. But didn't sit up. He just laid there quietly under the covers  
completely. Trowa and Wufei, ran into the room as she spun around looking at them.   
"Well, shit on a shit cracker." Trowa exclaimed. As Relena looked at Duo. "She saw the tape." Wufei completed.  
  
"YOU!" She screamed, stomping in those pink slippers. Each foot with a picture of Heero poorly pasted upon it. Duo sat up looking at her. "You slept with him!!!!" She screamed. And with a cocky  
voice, Duo replied. "On your bed!" He pointed at the bed, as Heero sat up. She gasped  
and began to slap Duo. He slapped back, thus resulting the two in a sissy cat fight. Heero  
got up, and got his cloths on. Entertained with the two fighting. Trowa and Wufei  
watching the tv, drool from their mouths. "You fart plummer ding dong!!" Duo yelled.   
Mocking Relena, as he grabbed her and tossed her out the window. She screamed out.   
"Heeerrroo..." and finally splat.   
  
They retrieved the tape, even though Relena saw it anyways. But it was all for the  
better. Relena was dead. Leaving both the world and space a better place. Hey that rymed!  
*Daa dum! The End!* 


End file.
